The Royds Revue Podcast
The Royds Revue Podcast
A Christmas Story w/Zack Zorovich
This week, we've written songs about "A Christmas Story" and we're joined by our friend, comedian Zack Zorovich!
Two new songs: "Just One Gift" and "You'll Shoot Your Eye Out, Kid"
A Christmas Story follows young Ralphie Parker, a 9-year-old boy in the 1940s, who desperately wants a Red Ryder BB gun for Christmas despite being repeatedly told by adults that he'll "shoot his eye out." The film captures Ralphie's comedic and heartwarming holiday adventures, from navigating family dynamics to enduring the ups and downs of childhood in the days leading up to Christmas. Ultimately, it highlights the universal joy, chaos, and charm of the holiday season.
Follow Zack on Instagram @Zorobitchin
Songs available for download at: TheRoyds.Bandcamp.com
Instagram: @TheRoydsBand
TikTok: @TheRoydsBand
YouTube: @TheRoydsBand
Letterboxd: TheRoydsBand
Send us an email: RoydsRevue@gmail.com
This week on the podcast, we're joined by comedian Zach Zorovich and we've written songs about a Christmas story. I've never seen this movie before and for the longest time I thought it was a child visited by three ghosts, but they were all the ghosts of his friends who died from preventable diseases Because it's the 40s.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's the heart attack. Heart attack cigarettes and being a black ghost of being a black guy measles Mikey nice, all diseases that they would have died from it 12 years ago.
Speaker 3:Spanish flu, steven. That's like the, that's like the 1918.
Speaker 2:Still young.
Speaker 1:It's good Spanish for the reference 19 teens what they found in Andy's basement, robbie. Hopefully they're breathing hello, hello and welcome to the roids review podcast.
Speaker 3:I'm rob and I'm Andy.
Speaker 1:And we are back once again talking about 1983's A Christmas Story, and we're joined by comedian Zach Zorovich. Zach, how are you?
Speaker 2:I'm good baby, how you living Hall.
Speaker 1:I'm doing good, thank you. I love how smooth that was.
Speaker 3:Yeah, that was smooth, it moved a little bit.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I have weird feelings now. Andy, how are you doing?
Speaker 3:I'm feeling pretty good now. You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1:Hey, you're going to stroke my ego like that. I'll be stroking something else pretty soon, brother. What's that, your ego?
Speaker 3:Oh, all right, A little pay it forward type thing.
Speaker 1:Yeah, exactly yeah. That's very nice you crank my hog, I'll crank yours.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, zach.
Speaker 2:Yes, I'll crank your hog.
Speaker 1:Awesome.
Speaker 3:All right, that's question number one.
Speaker 4:Will you crank my hog?
Speaker 1:Zach, can you do us a favor? Can you give out your socials and anything you'd like to promote for our audience?
Speaker 2:You can find me on instagram at zorobitchin. Uh, I don't think I really have anything planned right now. This is honestly the book. Let next gig I have is the roids review podcast. If you got, my next gig after this will be carrying around rob and andrew's band equipment, if you guys need anything find me at twitter, at Zornado, I think it is, I don't know, it's too early for my socials. No, I think that's it, though.
Speaker 1:Alright, instagram and Twitter. We'll give you a chance to think about that. We'll ask you later on. Alright, it was a good attempt.
Speaker 2:I'm sorry about that. I'm not good at social media.
Speaker 1:None of us are. No, the only people who are good at social media are the fbi. I found that out the hard way. I have a court date next week. Do you think they're listening?
Speaker 2:oh yeah, oh yeah, they're listening.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, oh yeah, they're listening, they're fans.
Speaker 3:That's like 30% of our listeners, yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I traveled recently and when we were traveling we were coming back into the country and they said my name over the loudspeaker like hey, why don't you come to the gate real quick? We need to check some stuff. And I was like, ah, they listen to the podcast.
Speaker 2:Like this way if we keep him out, we'll keep his musical parodies over in England. Write your parodies in Canada, big guy, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:Where they belong. I was in the Turks and Caicos. You want to pay me to play guitar in the Turks and Caicos? Yeah, I'm down.
Speaker 2:Yeah, have fun writing songs about Pulp Fiction over in Turks and Caicos. Son songs about Pulp Fiction over in Turks and Caicos. Son of a bitch. Some guy sitting behind his desk being like can you believe these fucking guys?
Speaker 1:My movies. Do you see the sign on my garage that says Dead Musician Storage? No, I don't think so. Zach, is it cool if we ask you some questions so we get to know you Sure boss the you-man being? How do you guys think of that one?
Speaker 3:I thought it was alright.
Speaker 1:I thought it was alright too, andy. I got three questions. How about you? Yeah, does that mean, you also have three?
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Oh, okay.
Speaker 2:I hope I studied.
Speaker 1:Do you want to go first or do you want me to go first?
Speaker 3:You go first, Robbie.
Speaker 1:Zach if you had to eliminate one common household item from existence. What would it be and why?
Speaker 2:Like get rid of it because I don't want it, or get rid of it because the purpose is like done, like they don't need it anymore.
Speaker 1:It doesn't matter to me If you had to eliminate one common household item from existence. So you're not throwing it out, it's gone. No one can have one.
Speaker 2:Plunger.
Speaker 1:A plunger.
Speaker 2:Yeah, because if you don't need it, you know that just means the toilet never gets clogged, that means you got a real good toilet.
Speaker 1:So this is more for the toilet industry.
Speaker 2:Oh exactly, Is it the toilet industry? Everyone, Don't we all have toilets.
Speaker 1:Zach here advocating for big toilet.
Speaker 3:I don't make toilets. I'm not part of the toilet industry.
Speaker 2:I want some big girthy pipes is really what I'm advocating for.
Speaker 3:Okay.
Speaker 2:I want pipes that don't make people sick with lead, and I want them to be able to take huge shits.
Speaker 1:I like this political stance.
Speaker 2:I'm going to be honest, how did I not win this?
Speaker 1:election Did you run.
Speaker 2:Yes, that's part one.
Speaker 1:How are your feelings about bidets?
Speaker 2:Here's the thing.
Speaker 5:Uh-oh.
Speaker 2:I don't like it going up and in but I don't mind, I do the cheap bidet or it's like I usually don't shit unless I'm taking a shower within two like two hours. You know what I mean. Like I'm like shitting and then I'm like working out and then I'm taking a shower. I usually don't shit like so I'm always hitting myself with the french bidet of like the shower, but it's not like it's going in there and getting all the parts the french bidet is just the brother I fair point, the american bidet yeah was gonna say you're doing the gross American way, Just getting shit all over your shower.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's a lot less gross, I think, to open up your asshole and just let it run down your legs right.
Speaker 1:I don't think so, my dude. You know what I don't like about the European bidets? It's not connected to the toilet. I like the American?
Speaker 2:Oh, it's a different thing.
Speaker 1:Yes, the European bidets. You gotta like get up and like do like a weird crab, walk over to the other thing and then spray the water up the hole.
Speaker 3:Really it's just like a hose, like elsewhere.
Speaker 1:It's like a small tub almost.
Speaker 2:In Asia the toilets are just are just like holes in the ground, like they don't like sit on the toilet, you squat and then you go, you scoot over to another one and then it goes up your ass. It's not even like it's in the, you sit on it or anything I got the bidet that's attached to the toilet there you go I like how I like how you said, in asia, that's's the biggest continent on. Earth, all of them just shit in a hole.
Speaker 3:They all just shit in a hole.
Speaker 2:All of them.
Speaker 1:No toilets, no toilets in Asia, he said shit in a hole, but also clarified that it's a really high-tech hole.
Speaker 2:They have really high-tech holes, bro. You shit in them and then they clean your ass out. I am a weirdo about taking shits, because I take my pants and underwear completely off every time I take a shit. I don't keep them on, I get that, but even in public. Yeah, unless it's like rushing, unless I'm really rushing, I don't usually take shits not in public, though. That's fair, I take maybe one out of 30 shits is in public.
Speaker 2:We're really getting a nose act here on the Voice Review Podcast. You know about my DMs. Yeah, I usually send pictures if you guys want those my cousins don't like seeing them anymore.
Speaker 3:Nah, I'm good Ask me again in 10 minutes.
Speaker 2:No, I don't know, for some reason this is like. I need the flexibility with my legs to go like this when I take one man spreading. Yeah, I can. You know it's not the subway. I feel like it's okay. Oh yeah, nobody's next to you. I'm in my home, yeah, but you got to walk to a bidet and you gotta walk all over there like a toddler.
Speaker 4:No, thank you.
Speaker 2:That's why I couldn't do it, because I'd just be like walking with my pants off across the room, feeling like a psychopath.
Speaker 1:That's why I got the one that's attached to the toilet, so I don't gotta do anything. Ugh, that's insane.
Speaker 2:It's the thing they're not attached to the toilet. I thought it was like an add-on to the toilet. So did I? Fucking Europeans got fucked up, bro. They're weird. That's exactly why Killmonger wanted to get rid of them. I get it.
Speaker 3:Zach, what would you say your top three favorite bands or musical artists are?
Speaker 2:I'm going to go with two. At first, I'm going to put Pooh Shiesty, who is the soundtrack to most of my day. He is in jail for. I'm going to put Pooh Shiesty, who is the soundtrack to most of my day. He is in jail for, I believe, conspiracy to commit murder or some sort of fraud, some sort of evidence thing, but he still makes bangers. There's a part of me that goes like I shouldn't like him because he's a bad guy. But it's like he raps about it. He's authentically a bad guy.
Speaker 1:There's something about problematic music that adds a little spark to it.
Speaker 2:Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, Because you're like oh, he really does this. He's really in federal prison for murdering, for probably destroying evidence. I forget what it is, but I almost don't even want to know. You know what I mean. I almost don't even want to get too close to the sausage.
Speaker 1:That's why when you listen to these old rock and rollers and they're singing about like 14 year olds, you're like at least you know they were really doing it.
Speaker 2:Every song about a. Every song about like a groupie. Any song about like you know, they did it and the girl was 12. And they just so like there's not a part of me anymore. That's like you know. But you know R Kelly's bad because, like, if you don't like R Kelly, you can't like Zeppelin, you can. R Kelly's bad because if you don't like R Kelly, you can't like Zeppelin. Yeah, R Kelly's a monster too. That's an excuse, R Kelly.
Speaker 1:Oh, he was a monster, but Jimmy Page is a monster yeah.
Speaker 3:You've got to separate the art from the artist of course.
Speaker 1:Separating the art from the artist is what makes you an adult.
Speaker 2:No, at a certain point yeah, Because there are songs where I'm like, oh, I do like this band. I find out later they killed his wife with a gun.
Speaker 1:I can live with that.
Speaker 2:It's nice when you just find out a band commits tax fraud and doesn't have a harem. Tax fraud is nice. I'm going to go 3 R Kelly, for Do you ever watch Trapped in the Closet? He is a hilarious person. He has a line in there that I still say to this day where I'm just hanging out with my buddies, where his friend says something to him in the car and then he goes you're higher than a fish with titties. If you think I'm going to do that and I'm like higher than a fish with titties, what does that even mean?
Speaker 2:No, one knows, and he's a he's talented artist, even a better cult leader. It's almost. It's almost like I kind of think. Like you know, uh, you know, charlie barnett is the comedian. No, charlie barnett was like the first black comic, snl hired, uh, but he was like a brilliant street performer. But they fired him after they figured out he couldn't read. Oh, he couldn't read Like Dave Chappelle would put on all that stuff. Imagine being a comedian and not being able to read. R Kelly was running a full sex cult and didn't know how to read. Yeah, that's almost impressive to me. Like you tricked all these women. Some of these women have college degrees, a comedian not being able to read.
Speaker 1:Isn't that how you get on, Rogan?
Speaker 2:Oh, that's too easy. You leave him alone. See, the thing is, we all take shots at him and then one day we're just going to walk into him and not know.
Speaker 1:We're just going to feel like something a head hit your stomach and you go like yeah, unfortunately you'd hope it's your head and not him hitting you with one of those powerful roundhouse kicks that'll fucking destroy you.
Speaker 2:Like that is the thing of like sometimes. Like like you ever watch a ufc fight and you're like fuck the guy, I didn't want win. Fuck that guy. But then you're like if he saw me on the street he'd fold me into a chair and then oh yeah, no, oh no. So I always think that with rogan, where I'm like no one's saying this to him, like anyone who hates rogan is doesn't have the balls to even come within a mile of him and say I'll be honest, I don't hate rogan.
Speaker 2:I've always thought his stand-up was great I've always liked rogan stan I've loved this podcast. This podcast is the best one. It's just like him interviewing like a fighter, like my favorite one is Mike Delgrate, who's just like some Muay Thai coach from Boston who's just talking to Joe about, like what he lived in Thailand.
Speaker 2:He's like, yeah, I fucking ate a scorpion. And shit, joe, it was great. I don't hate you. I like it more as a podcast than I like as stand-up, honestly, but stand-up's not terrible. There's worse. There's worse people that pretend their shit's good. Where I think of you as a special.
Speaker 1:Yeah, am I asking the next question?
Speaker 2:Yeah, did you answer my question, I'll go number one tool Just good shit to work to I don't know. Okay, cool, robbie, ask your question. It's good to work too.
Speaker 1:I don't know. Okay, cool, cool, robbie, ask your question. How would you explain the concept of time to someone who doesn't experience it, Someone who doesn't experience time.
Speaker 2:It would be the explanation of the linear. You can't say timeline because they don't know what that is. They don't experience time. So how do you not experience time?
Speaker 1:would be I shifted the tone of this podcast, like that.
Speaker 3:Robbie, I got a question for you. How the hell did you come up with that question? Chat Chippy TV, brother Damn.
Speaker 2:It's almost like Robbie's cheating. That's not cheating. Well, it would you have to tell someone who doesn't experience time how time moves? And that would be impossible because you'd have to have time to do it.
Speaker 3:You would need time to do so I mean, I would say, just watch me in real time, like watch me right now, like for a year, and watch how, like my beard will grow, my hair will grow, my pubes will grow.
Speaker 2:I would go see I'm over here and I'd be like see I'm over here now and I'd be like you know what in between that was Time.
Speaker 3:That's more distance, though, right oh both. I'd say ticking away the moment, nice, nice. You show them dark side of the moon baby, that's time, brother. And they're like that is actually a fucking banger.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's like one of the greatest songs ever written. He doesn't experience time, but he experiences Floyd, so we're talking to a dude on answer time. Yeah, I guess, yeah yeah, you're like listen.
Speaker 1:Listen to the fucking guitar solo brother so really the question is, how would you babysit someone's trip?
Speaker 2:yeah, I put them on a couch. I put on christmas story. Uh, let's make sure they're hydrated. You know that, like you know, as long as they're not like, yeah, I'm going to die or nothing.
Speaker 2:I think you're okay. I've never done any of that stuff. That's why I'm scared to like even babysit someone on it, because I just feel like someone. I think I confuse acid with crack, where I think like acid makes you stronger and you hallucinate. There was a guy where I went to college who was on acid and I think he jumped out a window and died. So I'm always like keep away from windows. That's what I do.
Speaker 1:Fair enough.
Speaker 3:What are your top three favorite comedians?
Speaker 2:I'll have to say Patrice, number one. Number two I'd have to say Pryor, Because I just think he's timeless. I think Richard Pryor is the one guy you could airdrop into anything and he'd be funny.
Speaker 1:So you could use Richard Pryor to answer my previous question how?
Speaker 2:did I explain this? He's timeless, that's true. Yeah, that's good Buzzing. He's also high on crack usually a lot of the time. Tough explanation Having to get him to sit still Maybe Chappelle, I'd say Chappelle. I don't know People kind of sour on Chappelle. I've always kind of loved him, always thought he was nice.
Speaker 1:That's our personal love. He just thought he was nice.
Speaker 2:Always thought he was a nice guy. He gave me a kidney. Oh yeah, but probably those three. Patrice is the one where it's like the most. He's like the Aaron Hernandez of comedy where you're like man. He just gave a few more years in the league.
Speaker 1:Let's compare him to someone other than Aaron Hernandez.
Speaker 2:Did you see any of the Aaron Hernandez series clips? No, I've seen the trailers for it. Oh well, here's the thing I haven't watched any of the series, and all the clips I see are of Belichick and Gronk, and it's like Bill Belichick listening to Bon Jovi in his room. It's like dun-dun-dun-d. And it's like Bill Belichick listening to Bon Jovi in his room. It's like Tommy, you still work on the dogs, yeah. And then they have him and Gronk just being like whoa Coach is going to kill us, whoa.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I do love these new commercials with Bill Belichick when he's like we have to make the bet, we have to do it.
Speaker 2:He's so lifeless about it he doesn't really care. It is funny. You watch him on like. I see him on like McAfee every now and then and he just ruins my fucking day because I can't say I look at the fucking guy. I'm like fuck you, you ruin my fucking Sundays. You piece of shit, go away. He's a lacrosse guy, so I gotta see him twice anytime they want to bring up lacrosse guy, so I got to see him twice Anytime they want to bring up lacrosse. I'm like, oh, football and lacrosse. Bill Belichick. I'm like get him the fuck out of my face. Yeah, bill Belichick was a lacrosse player.
Speaker 3:Oh.
Speaker 2:I can't stand him, piece of shit. He's destroyed so many of my parlays.
Speaker 1:What's your fault for betting against him?
Speaker 2:Yeah, well, well, recently, towards the end, towards the end. It's a good move to bet against them. They've been assed for the past few years.
Speaker 1:Hey Zach, Is it my question? Andy, we're off track.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I got you. We're off track. I'd be a great White House press secretary the way you're asking these questions and I'd just like pander off to someone else.
Speaker 1:That'd be fantastic. Would you rather be a registered sex offender or in prison for the rest of your life?
Speaker 2:Hmm, what am I in prison for? What kind of prison Is it white collar?
Speaker 1:No, it's a bad prison, prison, yeah, yeah yeah, it's not a good prison.
Speaker 2:I think then you'd have to say A because, well, here's the. You have to say a because, well, here's the. You could just be a sex offender for like peeing on a playground, like charlie and uh, uh, bad, horrible bosses. That's why he was a sex offender. So that's what I would be. I'd be like a guy who, like took a shit on, like a well, no, no, no, no. In either scenario, you're not guilty oh, I'm not guilty, I didn't do it.
Speaker 1:Oh, okay, yeah, but you don't get to choose the crime you've committed. You've been oh yeah, no, you don't get to choose that. You pissed on a fucking tree in a park, yeah, no, no. In either one of these cases you're not guilty, but all your appeals are used up and this is what you gotta live with.
Speaker 2:Listen, I was just hugging those kids in that bike shop. Oh, no, I'd do anything, I'd probably go away.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I don't blame you.
Speaker 2:If you get pissed, if it's like a bullshit thing, you could explain to a neighbor and be like hey, I'm technically a sex offender because of XYZ, I took a shit in a urinal at Burger King Not saying I ever did that, but if someone ever found out that I took a shit in a urinal at burger king or whatever- that also wouldn't get you stuck as a sex offender they.
Speaker 1:I think they could no, they would not, unless you intentionally did it in front of kids and like was jerking off yeah, but like I think if you take a shit in a urinal, what they're're going to do is they're going to say, all right, that's a public nuisance charge. That's not like that. If it's empty and someone just walks in and catches you doing it, it's not going to be a sex charge Got you Got you.
Speaker 2:But what if I was drunk and they already kicked me off the playground and I was doing it as revenge?
Speaker 1:You might get banged for it then.
Speaker 2:All right, you might get banged for it then. Alright, see.
Speaker 1:Now I got a prop, Zach. This is very specific and I'm a little worried.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it's got me thinking.
Speaker 2:See, you asked about the war in Serbia, but you didn't talk about the war in the Congo. I'll talk about the war in the Congo. Ha ha ha. You're not going to catch me lurking.
Speaker 5:Um.
Speaker 3:How many pull-ups can?
Speaker 2:you do. If I'm being honest with myself, six, I'd say six.
Speaker 3:That's pretty good. Pull-ups are hard man.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'm built like a fucking trash can now, I have like skinny legs, I have kind of skinny arms, but my torso and neck are just gelatinous.
Speaker 1:I like how you describe yourself as a trash can and then immediately described your arms and legs, implying that in your world, trash cans have arms and legs.
Speaker 2:They could.
Speaker 3:Okay sure it's 2024, Robbie.
Speaker 1:Yeah, my fault, Sorry guys.
Speaker 2:Well, honestly, don't you think that'd be the best trash can? That cleans itself, that has arms and legs? That would be nice. Yeah, that walks itself to the curb.
Speaker 1:Just walks itself out there and sits down.
Speaker 3:Yeah, Robbie, I have a question for you, Robbie.
Speaker 1:Okay, ask away.
Speaker 3:What year did the Christmas story come out?
Speaker 1:Oh, that's a great question, Eddie. It came out in the year of our Megazord, 1983. Wow.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I'm going to start at number 47. Why are you going to start at number 47? Well, I'll tell you, robbie, I'm glad you asked, because a Christmas story comes in at number 47 with $16 million.
Speaker 1:Wow.
Speaker 3:Really yeah that, yeah, that's surprising.
Speaker 1:I would have guessed it was higher.
Speaker 3:Same. Apparently it was a surprise smash hit, smash holiday hit and that's a lot of money back then, you know.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but the fact that it came in at 47, I just expected it to be Just because everyone talks about this movie, I expected it to come in like the top ten.
Speaker 2:It's more of like a, like a. It's gotten more fame after. It's definitely more fame after than it was in its heyday, because also it's not like it's. Also everyone thinks it's older than it is because it's supposed to be. Everyone thinks it's like a movie from the 60s and it's also like a movie from 1983 where you don't really see anyone else in any of. You know, you don. You don't see Ralphie in all these movies or the mom, and I think the mom may have been in some stuff, but you don't really see a lot of the actors from this movie and other stuff. You know, like they weren't in some other movie that came out five years later or something like that. That's really the weird part where it became this weird cult classic.
Speaker 2:I do think the thing that made it huge is TVs just runs it 24 hours a day on christmas.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah, ted turner production that explained it, is it? Well, I'm gonna. I'm gonna jump to the top five. We got number five war games with 74 million dollars risk yep, that's what it's about, uh.
Speaker 1:Number four is trading places with 90 million dollars all right, I'll trade you boardwalk if you give me three railroads very good for trading places yeah, you're on a board game kick, huh well, that's what I got with this.
Speaker 2:You know, these are on the top of my head he's stuck in a board game, or some would say he he's Jumanji'd himself.
Speaker 3:Oh my God. Flash Dance is number three with $90 million.
Speaker 1:I got arrested the last time I did a Flash Dance. We've all been there, Robbie.
Speaker 2:Is it Flash Dance? Like a sexy movie just about strippers or something.
Speaker 3:No, it's.
Speaker 4:She's a maniac, a maniac on the floor.
Speaker 1:They called me a maniac after I did my flash dance. Well, robbie, they said that maniac is still on the loose.
Speaker 3:The maniac's in the mailbox. Number two is Tootsie with $136 million.
Speaker 1:I went to the theaters with my camera ready to take pictures of some Tootsies. Didn't see any Candy Tootsie Rolls Yep, that's what I'm talking about.
Speaker 2:I've never seen it, not a big feet guy.
Speaker 1:Tootsie's a good movie.
Speaker 3:Number one is previous episode Star Wars, Episode VI, Return of Doesn't say the whole title here return to the sequels the Jedi.
Speaker 1:I will turn of the Wookiee.
Speaker 3:Well, it made 250 million dollars.
Speaker 1:Wow.
Speaker 2:You kind of expected that to be number one. Yeah, it's kind of like you know, there's no way. This like yeah, I went in this as being like there's no way. This like I went into this as being like there's no way Christmas Story is even like top 10, but it's just weird. You never see any of these people. Did you see? They're making a sequel to Spaceballs now.
Speaker 1:Are they really?
Speaker 2:Yeah, they're making a sequel to Spaceballs. They're just going to animate Mel Brooks and just give him a fucking Call of Duty super exoskeleton to walk around with.
Speaker 1:That's pretty sick.
Speaker 2:They made a joke in the first one. If they ever made a Spaceballs sequel, it'd be called Spaceballs 2 the Quest for More Money. But then it really happened and then they were just like well, let's not pretend we're being greedy, I mean I did enjoy History of the World Part 2 on Hulu.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I thought that was Pretty good. So, yeah, maybe it's good.
Speaker 2:I saw Mel Brooks live A few years ago. He was very funny.
Speaker 1:That's good, because if you saw him dead, you would have seen Mel Brooks yeah.
Speaker 3:Mel Brooks is funny. He's a funny guy. Oh yeah, he's great.
Speaker 2:I love Mel Brooks. It's tough when, like you, try to show someone Mel Brooks and they're not into it. I tried showing my lacrosse team space balls in college. There was just a lot of dudes being like this is stocky, turn this off. Did we put on Miracle again for the eighth time?
Speaker 1:Man you put on Miracle on 34th Street and you're like this one.
Speaker 2:No, they wouldn't, these savages. All they wanted was Miracle, Miracle, over and over Got it. The goalie's not gonna take the test. They beat the Russians.
Speaker 1:Are you guys ready to talk about a Christmas story?
Speaker 3:Yes, I think the listeners are also ready for us to talk about.
Speaker 1:Nah, they're good, we open up with a voiceover. A bunch of kids go running out of a house. I think the listeners are also ready for us to talk about. Nah, they're good, we open up with a voiceover. A bunch of kids go running out of a house. Christmas is coming and the goose is getting fat. The kids all go to a Christmas festival in town. They stop and look at the display in Higby's corner window. That's when Ralphie first sees the air rifle At the beginning of the movie.
Speaker 3:He's calling it an air rifle and then at some point it switches to BB gun. Yeah, I mean, they're synonyms.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think back then it was more a synonym, because now we have airsoft, which is like little plastic pellets, yeah, and they make like. They have guys who have all airsoft leagues and stuff like that, but they're not hitting each other with BBs. Bbs are like the reason why. I think they specify BB because of the whole take your eye out thing. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Okay, it was just very confusing to me. At first I was like I always thought it was the same thing.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's a great movie. It is one of those things where you're like, all right, it's about America, he wants a gun. Yeah, all right. Five minutes into this they're already like let's get this kid a gun.
Speaker 3:Well, like you mentioned, TBS used to play this nonstop.
Speaker 4:I think they still do.
Speaker 3:I never saw this in its entirety in order, so I've only seen like pieces when I was flipping channels. So like I knew a. Christmas story, but I didn't know.
Speaker 5:You don't know where it begins. You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 3:Yeah, but yeah, I find the narration is like excellent. It's using like really colorful language descriptive language. I would grade it an A. Using like really colorful language descriptive language I would grade it an A.
Speaker 1:I think it does a really great job of it's all in this child's perspective.
Speaker 2:Yes, they do a great job of that, of being like. This is what he thinks as a child.
Speaker 1:And even the voiceover is remembering it the way he viewed it as a child, which you know it's very easy to be like. All right, he's a voiceover, he's an adult now, so he's going to talk about it as a child, which you know it's very easy to be like. All right, he's a voiceover, he's an adult now, so he's going to talk about it as an adult. But this voiceover is straight up talking as it like a child remembers it and that is a huge thing for the movie.
Speaker 3:And he sounded like Adam West. Yeah, he did.
Speaker 2:It wasn't. No, it wasn't. It was someone random too, but that's what I mean about this movie. It's like every actor you'd be like. Well, peter Billingsley, the kid who plays Ralphie. He is the executive producer of F is for Family on Netflix with Bill Burr.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:Yeah, he's like A lot of these people are in the industry still Like do you know who you know? Chunk from the Goonies yeah, no, he's like an Chunk is like it's an 80s movie where I'm not sure the Goonies, where Chunk, the kid who does the fat, takes his shirt off and he's like the truffle shuffle yeah, he's like an entertainment lawyer now, like he's everyone's. He's like Bobby Kelly's lawyer and stuff like that.
Speaker 1:Oh, wow.
Speaker 2:Like a lot of these guys will be like you know what? I'm an actor, but that is the fun. Well, also Peter Billingsley, I think is just has a perfect little kid face.
Speaker 1:And then the sequel, when you see you see, you see him as like an adult. You're like he's still a little kid. You're like you're 40, you're still a little kid. Dude, yeah, he. It's funny that they were able to nail when they came out with that sequel a couple years ago. The look still like he, just looks like him all grown up yeah, he just has those perfect round glasses.
Speaker 1:He has those big blue eyes it's also funny the idea that this man grew up and never changed the style of glasses he wore no, he's like.
Speaker 2:I'm still dressed like I'm 10. I still do that. I dress like how a child thinks that a cool adult dress is like that's that's important.
Speaker 1:You want kids to think you're cool I want me to think I'm cool there you go but it's, it's.
Speaker 2:it is weird because you think like it's you don't think of. When you think about it for the first time, you're probably oh, it's like this is the 60s, this is the 70s, like, no, this is the 40s.
Speaker 1:Yes, which makes sense that that's why Ralphie's first idea is to put the ad for the air rifle in his mom's magazine Mm.
Speaker 3:Hmm, yeah.
Speaker 1:You know this is firmly in the 40s, because they go down to breakfast and the dad is doing a puzzle. They ain't watching TV.
Speaker 2:Yeah, they're listening to the radio at max. But even for them, like listening to the radio, for them was like holy shit Like that's like yeah, him watching TV on steroids. That's why I love. That's why the Ovaltine thing in this movie is such like a great nail, because he was so into it. It's like this is a fucking scam.
Speaker 1:Well, I love this parallel between the father and Ralphie because at the beginning of the movie we see the father. He's doing this puzzle because he's trying to win a prize.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And Ralphie he does all this stuff with his puzzle much more elaborate. Yeah, it really is yeah but he's doing all that to win a prize.
Speaker 2:And you see, that's just what people did back then but not even that if you watch the movie, the dad doesn't even get any of the answers. It's the mom giving him half the answers he's like what's the name of the low rangers horse or whatever, and it's. You know how else you know that he's like. I know it. It's the mom giving him hefty answers.
Speaker 3:He's like what's the name of the low rangers horse or whatever and it's you know how? The hell do you know that? He's like I know it. It's kind of like a running bit through the movie that the mom is like way smarter, yeah but you don't.
Speaker 2:They don't show it in like it's not over the top, it's more. She just is understandable and she understands things. And he's just like, fuck it, I'll plug. I was thinking this yesterday where I was rewatching it and I'm like how did this house not fucking explode? The boiler's a mess. He's like. Anytime he plugs in a lamp he's got sparks everywhere how is there not an? Electrical fire.
Speaker 1:Yeah, the outlet has 20 things in it, yeah they have like a fucking adapter with a thousand plugs in it it's the 40. Have like a fucking adapter with a thousand plugs in it it's the 40s that house is an oven.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's a death trap.
Speaker 1:I bet in the sequel at some point Ralphie talks about how his whole family died in a house fire.
Speaker 2:I believe if we're not trying well, I don't think anyone's caring that much about the sequel. I think the actual movie is a better movie. But in the sequel I believe spoiler alert the first few minutes, I believe the dad dies and then they don't, you know. Then that's kind of the movie where it's like how do we get on without dad?
Speaker 1:I mean well, that's life, brother that'd be great if, like.
Speaker 2:That'd be great if, like, he dies and all the neighborhood dogs come to the funeral and sit down.
Speaker 1:Well, just watching the trailer for the sequel because I haven't seen the sequel it looks like it's totally missed the spirit and the point of this movie.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's kind of the point of this movie, where it's like no one. No one was coming. The only one who came back for the movie was Peter Billingsley, and I think the mom was kind of out of it. The mom was retired, I think, and I asked her to come back and she said no, the dad was obviously dead, because in this movie he is 50. Oh yeah, he's 50 in this movie. That's my favorite part. She's like 30. He is 57, 57 years old, yeah.
Speaker 1:Easily His sperm was not good when they got pregnant. It's also 1983.
Speaker 3:So that guy's probably like 35. Yeah, like there's just something about aging, it's changed, you know.
Speaker 2:Everyone was coked up back then. That might be it.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it could be, all the cigarettes.
Speaker 1:Ralphie asks his mom for the air rifle. She says no, and it starts the refrain of you'll shoot your eye out. Ralphie then daydreams of people breaking into his house and he has this glittery cowboy outfit on in his own daydream.
Speaker 2:Oh, it's so gay, yeah, it's great.
Speaker 3:It's great though.
Speaker 1:I Daydream oh, it's so gay. Yeah, it's great. It's great, though I need this outfit in Red Dead 2. Hell yeah, brother, I need to march around to my horse as Arthur Morgan with this glittery outfit.
Speaker 3:We're gonna go to Tahiti and become mango farmers.
Speaker 2:It would be great if you tried to rob someone in Red Dead with this and you're like, put the money on the ground. Like, are those sequins I'm so thrown off. Put the money on the ground, big boy. Are those diamond studded sequins? Oh my God.
Speaker 1:You look great Diamond studded and assless cowboy.
Speaker 2:Well, I think that would have been part. That's why you couldn't have robbed anyone, because they would have been like, yeah, he robbed me, he has three. He has three columns of sequins on his right arm, two on the left.
Speaker 1:It was the most fabulous jacket I've ever seen I also love that he fucking kills these robbers in his dreams oh yeah, they're like pokemon, that they have like x's over their eyes, that that looks awesome because it's like two strings over each of their eyes.
Speaker 2:Speaking of your 1940s racism. Uh, they call him black bart, which is pretty on the nose.
Speaker 1:The bad guy.
Speaker 2:Yeah, the bad guy who's coming to Ralphie's house is Black Bart, his name.
Speaker 1:Was he even black? No, I don't think it was racism. I think they just used black as evil.
Speaker 2:And white is good.
Speaker 1:I mean yes.
Speaker 3:In a way yeah.
Speaker 1:But in the stock market, if you're in the black, that's good, that's true, and if I'm in the black, it means I hired a prostitute.
Speaker 3:I have a note here that says Mom is serving gruel.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, oh yeah. Yeah, she makes like garbage a lot of the time. Pretty sure it's an Irish family, it's got to be garbage a lot of the time. Pretty sure it's an irish family, it's gotta be. It's not great. She's always making some sort of paste or casserole, nothing, nothing where you're like now when you realize the one the little brother never eats, and then yeah, of course she's making garbage would you? Yes, yeah now you know why the dad's pissed off all the time.
Speaker 3:I really like that. The dad's like impromptu swearing but not swearing he's just like rack and frack and rack and frack and boiler rack and frack and rabbit Like a cartoon. Yeah, like Yosemite Sam.
Speaker 2:I think that's a good way I think it was to have little kids in the movie without having them dropping F-bombs. Yeah, dropping f-bombs, yeah, yes, good, well, it also allows the kids to hear the cursing, so it establishes, without being like yeah, that he's a potty mouse and also like it'd be weird if he was like such a tough grundled old man and like didn't curse yeah, exactly he will occur.
Speaker 1:He's a very old fashioned dad because he's very hands off. He wants to fix everything himself, but he doesn't really mind when his kid gets into a fight.
Speaker 2:Oh, no, that's like the funny part about the fight part later is like you think, if he told him, hey, he beat up the bully, and his little bitch buddy, the dad would have been like oh hell, yeah, yeah. And his little bitch buddy, the dad would have been like oh hell, yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, the dad can't leave for work because the car won't start and then the furnace goes out and he's losing it. The mom dresses the little kid for school. This is really funny, because he cries, because he can't put his arms down and the mom pushes the arms down and they pop right back up. She's like all right, just go.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Ralphie meets with some friends on the way to school. Two of them talk about sticking your tongue to a frozen pole. At his school, all the class wear these like fake teeth to prank the teacher. She then takes them and puts them all in her bare hand.
Speaker 2:Ew, ew, ew Bro. I'm a teacher. Please tell us why this is gross.
Speaker 1:Kids are gross brother Kids are gross.
Speaker 3:I am a teacher as well and I have what I call the June box, meaning. That's exactly it, but like if you have something that you shouldn't have, I put it in the June box, which means you're not going to get that shit back until June, brother.
Speaker 1:That's cruel. I hate that. That's a good one.
Speaker 3:Listen, don't fuck around, don't fuck around.
Speaker 1:My problem when I was a teacher is I'm not a disciplinarian in any way, and I'm like that with my nephew, I'm like that with my dad Struck my dick, mr Hall bitch.
Speaker 1:Oh no, that they wouldn't get away with. But, like Billy, you're in fifth grade, my problem is. So when we were on vacation I was I got scolded by my brother-in-law when I was playing with his son, my nephew. We were playing and all of a sudden he just goes boys and I was like, okay, dude, I'm 35 years old, yeah, but we were playing with the umbrellas in the resort.
Speaker 2:Hmm.
Speaker 1:I get in trouble a lot. I get in trouble a lot when they're all standing outside by the pole. One of the best lines I've ever heard is you're full of beans and so is your old man, yeah, it's a very 1940s insult.
Speaker 3:I have a question Questions. Do you think that triple dog dare was started with this movie?
Speaker 2:No no.
Speaker 1:Because the way they're talking about it makes it seem like it's a very well-known thing.
Speaker 2:Mm-hmm.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:But you know, there was probably like, even if you didn't have Double Dog, you probably had some sort of synonym or something like we super dare you, yeah, we colossal dare you?
Speaker 1:When this kid gets his tongue stuck to the pole, he throws an excellent panicked fit.
Speaker 3:Yes.
Speaker 1:This kid's crushing it.
Speaker 3:The acting by everybody is fucking great.
Speaker 1:Especially the kids. Yeah, this is full of great kid acting and you don't get that a lot.
Speaker 2:No, yeah, do you think there's like an expiration date on kid actors like Dakotaota fanning, where it's like no one watches anything, anything dakota fanning makes now?
Speaker 1:listen. I think as a kid actor, there's a very real thing you have to do. You finish your kid acting career, you take a break, you go to college and you become very selective of your roles after that. That's what Emma Watson did, and look at her, she's a star. That's what fucking Harry Potter did. Daniel Radcliffe and you see him in these good movies, you know. But what happens is a lot of kid actors, they try to just keep going and it's like no, go to college, take some acting classes, get a real degree.
Speaker 1:Go to college, take some acting classes, get a real degree, make a collage.
Speaker 2:It makes their interviews? Because they have no concept of like what's a dude who works in a factory? Think you know what I mean. They have no concept of like life.
Speaker 1:That's the thing. If you're a kid actor, you can't get right into. You can't immediately be like I want to do more adult roles. You go to college, take some time away from acting. You go to college, take some time away from acting. Make people miss you, because then when you come back three or four years later, you're gonna get a lot of people going oh shit, did you see the? The kid from dingle boy is gonna be in something that happened with recently short round.
Speaker 2:Uh, just was. He was the guy in that big Korean movie the other year.
Speaker 1:Everything, everywhere, all at Once.
Speaker 2:Yeah but he's episode. Check it out. I didn't watch. I didn't watch either episode of the movie.
Speaker 1:Well, the movie was really good, the episode's even better.
Speaker 2:It was an Academy Award winning podcast.
Speaker 4:Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 3:But yeah, that happened with with him. I really like the line when, like he's stuck to the pole, like what are we gonna do? And Ralphie just goes, I don't know, the bell rang yeah.
Speaker 2:But we can't just leave him.
Speaker 3:He's like I don't know the bell rang, and then he's go inside and the kid's like don't leave me come back.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and he's like the bell rang dude, and he's and the kid's like, don't leave me come back the bell rang dude and the kid's literally like I'm gonna freeze to death, I'm gonna die out here well, all the kids are in class and they deny knowing anything until one kid's like why don't you take a look outside, lady?
Speaker 3:the one kid's point out I really like the big old cartoon bandage just wrapped around his tongue after that. That's fucking hilarious.
Speaker 1:And the one kid being hyped to see the fire department. Wow, it's the fire department.
Speaker 3:Wow, it's the cops. That's so real, though.
Speaker 2:That's why they can't do a reboot today with this, because it'd be like 12 kids around there Instagramming it. It'd be like 12 kids around there instagramming it the cop runs out he runs out and opens fire.
Speaker 1:I'm shooting at the pole. Don't worry, kid, I'll save you.
Speaker 2:I meant more, just the kids being like oh shit, dumb dick, he's stuck to a pole the teacher shames whoever put him up to it, and I like ralphie's.
Speaker 1:Basically like snitches, get stitches, brother like we ain't talking.
Speaker 2:No, they were so scared of their parents that they're like not even.
Speaker 1:They don't even process like you almost if I was a kid right, and I was the one who got my tongue stuck to a pole, my parents would not be mad at anyone but me.
Speaker 2:Yeah, me too Same. Thing.
Speaker 1:Because it gets like these kids are old enough. It's like dude, listen, you're a dumb bitch. You're a dumb bitch kid.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I got my wiener stuck to a pole once.
Speaker 1:How.
Speaker 3:I don't know, robbie. Just move on, just move on.
Speaker 2:Okay, okay Was it poles. I guess, I don't know, guys, was your wiener wet.
Speaker 3:Did you get a wet? Wiener Guys, move on, I don't know, all right.
Speaker 1:Okay, okay. I don't know how it happened, it just did. I'm just telling you what happened to me. The teacher assigns them a theme. What I want for christmas, and this is this is this excites ralphie, I had a stroke trying to say excites happens to all of us yeah, ralphie and his friends are walking home and they get confronted by scott fargus, and he has yellow eyes I swear they were yellow that's great. I also love. This guy is a fucking goon. This kid has a goon.
Speaker 2:Yeah, he's like hey, why don't you come back? Here, yeah, what he said. And the Tony's just like. There is a part of the Tony that's just like. Listen, I'm just with this guy so I don't get beat up.
Speaker 4:Yeah, but.
Speaker 2:Scott.
Speaker 1:Fargus barely says anything he just laughs the whole time.
Speaker 2:The goon is the best because he's dressed like Danny DeVito. He's in a leather jacket, he's in a Potsy hat, he's dressed like an adult man.
Speaker 1:After Ralphie and his friends run away, fargus and the goon are like and giving each other punches. Until Fargus punches him too hard, he's like ow.
Speaker 2:He's like ouch. That's great. The best line of the movie is right there, when he pushes down the brother. Forget the brother's there right now.
Speaker 1:Randy.
Speaker 2:Randy yeah, randy lays there like a slug. His only defense, randy, is just like I'm just gonna lay here until it's over.
Speaker 3:Can't even, can't even move my fucking arms.
Speaker 2:Ralph like a slug. It's only defense.
Speaker 1:Ralphie writes that he wants the BB gun. The bumpous hounds from next door bother Ralphie's dad as he gets home. This is great cause. The dogs don't seem to be bad. They have no reason.
Speaker 2:Yeah, they have no reason to bother him and they just do.
Speaker 1:They're just being playful too.
Speaker 2:It's not like he's got like a piece of bacon in his pocket or anything. It's like a group of dogs is harassing this man.
Speaker 1:I also love because he specifies he goes. They leave everyone else alone.
Speaker 2:What did my dad? Yeah, they definitely saw him kicking a puppy one day Like no, what happened?
Speaker 1:The dad gets all excited because he won something At dinner. We see that the younger brother, randy, won't eat. That's just a thing.
Speaker 2:Mm-hmm.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:There's just kids who won't.
Speaker 3:My one criticism with this movie is this scene where the mommy's little piggy scene it just goes on for like far too long.
Speaker 1:All right, I have to ask an honest question.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 1:She looks at you and goes who's mommy's little piggy, Isn't that going to do it for you a little bit?
Speaker 2:No.
Speaker 1:A little bit. You got a face full of muff. She goes who's mommy's little piggy that's not going to do it for me?
Speaker 2:I am.
Speaker 1:Who's?
Speaker 3:mommy's little muff Robby, that's not going to do it, jesus.
Speaker 2:Christ, that's going to do it for me. Brother, you knew I was coming this week.
Speaker 1:I don't know man Something it triggered something when she went who's mommy's little piggy?
Speaker 2:And I was like, oh baby, talk to somebody. Rob's gonna have a thing with Laura later. He's gonna have her not eat her food and be like, just call me a piggy.
Speaker 1:I'm gonna be honest, this is a bridge too far. The mommy's little piggy shit. No, you gotta teach that kid to eat with a fork.
Speaker 2:He's just hammering it.
Speaker 3:He's snorting and licking the plate. And then it goes back to the mom and she's like you're my little piggy, yeah, yeah. And then it goes back to the kid. He's doing the same thing. It goes on for like a minute straight and I was like this is you've we got it?
Speaker 1:we fucking got it that dad's ready to leave yeah and I'm gonna be honest, I don't blame him if he takes the kids and goes. Listen, she was letting my kid eat like a fucking pig like, and that was her way of getting this child to eat I was calling him a piggy he's.
Speaker 2:What's wrong with that? He's a kid. He's like he's 14. If he's any bigger than this, this is a problem. You are right, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like that's the thing, like at some point you got to go all right, then fucking go to bed hungry kid, because like animals, the kid will eventually fucking eat, and I know it sounds cruel.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:You're not dealing with a kid with an allergy. At some point when a kid's a picky eater, you just got to fucking make them eat, and it can't be. Fucking. Who's my little piggy?
Speaker 2:no kid sitting there with a boner just shoving his face into mashed potatoes I don't have mom stuff. I have older neighbor stuff.
Speaker 1:Rob's got mom stuff no, no, I need to stress something. It's not the idea of a mom saying that to me. It's the idea of any woman in power saying to me who's my little piggy.
Speaker 3:Okay.
Speaker 2:All right.
Speaker 3:We're learning stuff about props.
Speaker 2:I'm going to go to the therapist, next part.
Speaker 1:There's a knock at the door. It's the dad's prize. He's really excited because it's a giant leg and Ralphie is about to come.
Speaker 3:Yeah, he's just feeling it and's a giant leg, and ralphie is about to come yeah, he's just feeling it and the mom's like stop brandy's just like.
Speaker 2:What is it like? He doesn't even get.
Speaker 3:He's so far from a bone he's like I'm still a little picky, I'm just like that's, that's the 40s, though like that's what?
Speaker 2:like was they? You know, if you saw a boob, it was your wife. You didn't see like it was the porn. There was no, you know.
Speaker 1:You got arrested for doing porn.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, it's a great lamp. There's something about the suggestiveness of it. I always like when a girl wears underwear. It's like unwrapping a present. You know what I mean. This is what this leg's about. That's what that leg is about. It's the suggestiveness of some ass.
Speaker 3:This is an all-around very wholesome movie, and we're smut.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, you think it's a more wholesome movie than it is.
Speaker 3:and then this part comes up and you're like oh yeah, yeah, but even this is just like.
Speaker 1:It's just like the whole family's having goon sessions to a lamp whole neighborhood bro, it's really just ralphie and the dad they're all outside just standing with no tuning and then he's like the other guys are like what is that?
Speaker 2:The other guy's like it's a massive achievement.
Speaker 3:It's a huge prize and the guy's like it looks like a lamp. It looks like a lamp.
Speaker 1:The guy's like. I'll give you a huge prize, baby Goyle.
Speaker 2:You know what I'm saying I saw some of the other day, oh no, but also him. Plugging in the lamp is hilarious because it sparks a giant electrical fire. Yeah, he's like oh, I can't, I can't do that, I'll have to unplug something he's like I have to, I'll unplug my, you know, let me, let me unplug my wife's. You know, uh, radiation machine or whatever. You can plug her up. What is it?
Speaker 1:dialysis machine I just really like the fact that this dad is such a loser that this prize that he's won he wants displayed in the front. Yeah, he wants to play in the front way.
Speaker 2:She's not even like okay that. It's like I think she'd be okay with the lamp. I think she's more grossed out that it's in front of everything. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Listen, I don't blame her for being like don't put that in the window, Put that in the corner of our bedroom so you have something to look at. Doggy style.
Speaker 2:It's almost like you see people with this lamp now ironically like, hey, what if I just got a rack lamp of just like some tits?
Speaker 1:A rack of lamp, oh.
Speaker 2:A rack lamp of just like some rack of lamb. Oh, a rack lamp, just like a rack of lamb some breasts. Yeah, the father's showing everyone in the neighborhood the rest of achievement but check out these titties.
Speaker 1:I just like the fact that he's definitely not proud of the lamp itself.
Speaker 2:He's proud of what it represents him getting something yeah yeah, he doesn't even care how sexy the lamp is really. He's more like look, I won something yeah you are right. Yeah, I never thought of it like that. He's proud of his massive achievement, ralphie. The whole time just feeling up a leg, trying not to. He's like playing with the fishnets and stuff. And he's like playing with the fishnets and stuff and he's like these are nice.
Speaker 1:Ralphie's, like I'm going to be a leg man.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah. A lengthy this movie probably has made me very creepy about thighs, but Ralphie and his brother go to listen to Little Orphan Annie At school.
Speaker 1:Ralphie has another daydream about giving his teacher the greatest paper ever. I absolutely love this one.
Speaker 3:This one is fucking 10 out of 10. Like she's like if I read another bad paper I shall weep.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and she's dressed like she's in Clue.
Speaker 3:Yes, she's dressed like she just strangled Colonel Mustard in the fucking laboratory. Well, like then, she gives him the A+. She's like, oh my God, ralphie, the greatest paper ever. And she writes A++ and she goes all the way around the room with the pluses.
Speaker 1:On the wall. It's fucking gold and the whole class celebrates and they carry Ralphie out. At one point he blows them kisses and then it turns out he's just been staring out the window having this daydream while standing at the teacher's desk yeah, she's like you can sit down now.
Speaker 2:He's like oh okay has any kid ever come up to you with how excited they were about their own paper?
Speaker 3:and you're just like go away yeah, a lot of the times it's like they'll write something and they're like really excited, like they think, just because they did it, that it's good. So like they'll give me the paper and they're all excited and I'm like, oh boy, great job, all right, go take your seat. And it's like a fucking f?
Speaker 1:like well, they're in second grade and right right.
Speaker 3:So just accomplishing anything is like wow, wow, that's great.
Speaker 1:I didn't have kids who would do that. I would have kids who would be really proud of themselves in general. So, like I asked the kids at first day of school, like write a little paper about yourself, and this kid who was under five feet tall, wrote about how he was going to be an NBA star.
Speaker 3:Oh.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I was like you ain't.
Speaker 3:Yeah, that's Bro. You're from Belmore. Are you going to the?
Speaker 2:G League.
Speaker 1:Oh no, he was from Harlem, because that's where I taught.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I mean it's. I mean you don't really give kids their grades in second grade, you kind of just grade like grade them.
Speaker 1:You guys suck.
Speaker 3:I have a question for you guys.
Speaker 1:Oh, ask that question oh, for us Okay.
Speaker 3:Yeah, when you were growing up, did your parents call it supper or dinner?
Speaker 1:My grandparents called it supper, my parents called it dinner.
Speaker 3:Okay, yeah called it supper, my parents called it dinner. Okay yeah, mine called it supper until, like I was in high school. Then they changed it to dinner.
Speaker 1:Supper is very old fashioned.
Speaker 3:Yeah, my parents are a little older.
Speaker 1:Yeah, no, my grandparents always called it supper.
Speaker 5:Interesting.
Speaker 1:And my parents called it dinner. Email in Supper was always a little.
Speaker 2:Email in what did your parents?
Speaker 1:called it dinner email in supper was always a little email in.
Speaker 3:What did your parents call it? Supper or dinner?
Speaker 2:dinner. It'd be me dinner supper. I don't know, they never called it supper.
Speaker 1:I like the idea of supper. I don't know why.
Speaker 2:I like calling it supper sounds more wholesome it does.
Speaker 1:takes me back to a simpler time. Yeah, ralphie and the family go out to buy a tree. On the ride home, the mom and the kids are screaming jingle bells.
Speaker 3:Like they're not singing it. If I were the dad, I'd wrap that car around a tree brother.
Speaker 1:Absolutely. Oh yeah, I have the same note. They get a flat tire and the dad is super hyped to fix this flat tire he's like timing I got four minutes.
Speaker 3:Give me four minutes. I'm gonna crush this dude.
Speaker 2:This was only got four minutes to change a tire nice.
Speaker 3:this was very relatable because you know, when you go to help your dad with something and they always just give you like this is when you're a kid, obviously they always just give you the bullshit task like Ralphie just has to hold the hubcap, that's all he has to do.
Speaker 3:Or you hold a flashlight and I'd somehow fuck that up because it's like both excitement, like oh I'm, I'm one of the boys, and then also like the pressure's on brother, so like the light is just trembling and my dad's like listen, if you can't hold the light, like get the fuck out of here. And I'm like damn it, I failed again, Damn it Next time. And I'm like practicing. I'm like holding flashlights in the mirror. I'm just holding them steady. Oh no, you got this, andy, you can do this.
Speaker 2:Well, it is funny now because when you think of, like, how easily the dad changes a tire and it's like, how many people do you know that changed? You know I can change a tire just because I've done it once or twice, but and I you know I've done the whole side of the road thing, but yeah, you don't, no one changes. You know a lot of times you just wait for the tow truck. Like a lot of people don't change their own tires, they're just like well, I don't change tires.
Speaker 3:A lot of new cars don't even come with a donut. They come with like a spray.
Speaker 2:It's like the yeah ah if you, if you get a flat, get it on the southern state, because if you do, they have all those trucks that come around and help and they'll put the tire on for you for free.
Speaker 3:For free, holy shit.
Speaker 1:They even say, like the donut that the dad has Is like A piece of shit still.
Speaker 3:So this happens all the time.
Speaker 1:Because this dad definitely comes across as a guy who's like I'll fix it, it's not broken, we don't have to buy a new one. Yeah, yeah, I respect it.
Speaker 3:I really like the slow-mo. Oh Fudge, yes, that's really good.
Speaker 1:Very good stuff and the dad loses his fucking mind.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, the mom freaks out that he said the F curse, and at home the mom washes his mouth out with soap. I never had that.
Speaker 2:It's the 1940s.
Speaker 3:It's very old-fashioned. I had soap in my mouth.
Speaker 1:I do remember the first time I ever said the F word to one of my parents and I was like 16, so I wasn't too young to use it. It was also like the first time I said it and I remember saying it it was, and since it was like a few years after my parents had divorced and I was just living with my dad and brother at the time, I was like you know what I'm gonna lean into this and I said it. I remember I just stared my dad in the eye like yeah, I fucking said it. What are you gonna do about it? And he stared back at me for a second like that's the first time I ever heard you fucking say that.
Speaker 4:That was it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, nothing happened. Nothing happened. But there was this moment of fear in my heart that's like am I going to get away with that?
Speaker 3:Yeah, I got like Dawn dish soap right in my fucking gullet.
Speaker 2:Mine was about the Knicks, so I got away with it.
Speaker 1:Nice. The first time I ever knowingly cursed in front of my parents was at a yankee braves game and we were sitting in the bleachers and the whole crowd was chanting at andrew jones that he sucks. And we were in the bleachers and everyone around us was doing it and they were going andrew, you suck. They're saying andrew three times, but we don't have time for that so I'll just explain it, which will take even more time. And so I remember looking at my mom and dad being like is it cool? And they were like, yes, but don't fucking repeat yourself. So we all we started doing it's the greatest day of my life. And then, like a year later, my dad and I went to a yankee red sox game and my dad bought me a boston suck shirt and I think that was the impetus for my parents divorce.
Speaker 1:I'm pretty sure that was the start of it that was the beginning of the end is when my father let me wear a red socks or a boston suck shirt, and I wore it to school one day oh, another marriage I was like 12.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it was not a good look I remember, after you know, you know like 16, like you, like I'd throw it out. I wouldn't curse at my parents, but I'd curse and like, I'd hear like, or even if I cursed and they weren't even in the room, I'd hear like from the other room like you're not with your friends, like you don't talk like that at home. I was like damn they really don't like me cursing.
Speaker 2:It wasn't a good movie. That kind of demonstrated of like everyone curses around their friends but no one's cursing at home.
Speaker 3:Right and, like Robbie, it's like slurs.
Speaker 3:You remember, back in the day we were playing a show and we were like in a bar and like for one of our songs there's a break and I was singing it and I go like we're going to fuck your day up or something, and my dad like afterwards was like mortified and he was like you know, that word really really sets people up, really sets people off. You know like bad things can happen. I was like dad, we're in a dive bar, like people are doing coke in the bathroom or whatever, like the place got busted for cocaine, you remember?
Speaker 1:while we were on stage.
Speaker 3:Yeah, so like I don't think me saying we're gonna fuck your day up is gonna ruin anything especially ruin anything. I was in my 20s.
Speaker 2:And I would say heinous shit throughout the show. I don't know, did they come up there with soap? That'd be great if the police would come in, storm the stage and be like Listen, we got that for Coke.
Speaker 3:We got you guys for Kirsten, Go eat this soap. Well, my dad had the bottle of Dawn and he'd spray it from the side of the stage right in my fucking Mouth oh, thank God it's not liquid soap.
Speaker 2:Imagine trying to walk the kids. Well, I think his mouth out with a body wash. Oh geez.
Speaker 3:That's what I'm saying. My parents would squirt the fucking dawn dish soap right in my fucking mouth. Only happened once. Cuz I learned my lesson, I was like I ain't doing that again.
Speaker 2:Ralphie does lose his sight because of the soap.
Speaker 1:This is incredible, and when the mom going, did we do?
Speaker 2:this to you. Yeah, that's a 10 year old way of thinking of like. It's like the kid against Spanx. He's like I'm never going to be a gymnast now.
Speaker 1:And he blames the soap poisoning.
Speaker 3:Yeah, that shit is gold. I really like how the mom, just out of curiosity, takes a little taste.
Speaker 2:And then, she's like ugh.
Speaker 1:I also like that apparently the soap taste doesn't hit for a second because she does it and then runs to the sink. But this is also where he blames his friend for teaching him the F-curse instead of his father, which doesn't really make sense yeah well, that's what the mom says on the phone to him.
Speaker 2:She goes. Well, you know where he heard it from. He goes, his father. Yeah his father, and then he goes. No, your son, she goes. What?
Speaker 3:And she beats the shit out of her son she doesn't say anything, you just hear the beating and he's like why?
Speaker 2:why? Oh yeah, now that I think about it, it does give me the reminders of you guys ever hear like the old unfiltered Xbox lobbies? Because, like now, sometimes if you say stuff on Xbox they'll hear it and they have like the algorithms listening for it. You could have said anything, you could have been dealing drugs. Well, people obviously said talk man, shit still, but you couldn't be getting beat. You can't get beat on Xbox anymore. That's probably a good thing. Kyle, what's going on? He's like my dad.
Speaker 3:I remember I used to play a lot more online video games than I do now, but I've never been called the N-word more in my entire life I've been called well.
Speaker 2:There was one time where I called it in person by a black person, but they were like two and they were just learning the word and the dad was so embarrassed. It was like my neighbor. I'm walking past him and his kid and he's like, oh hey, man, and the kid goes, goes, what's up? Oh jeez, and I just went there like I just go, I think your kid needs glasses and I just kept walking. He's embarrassed about it.
Speaker 3:Let me be funny, yeah oh, I like how, uh, a lot of scene transitions are like interspersed with or throughout, with the bully kids chasing them, yes, and then it just like goes to the next scene. I really like that.
Speaker 1:That's a lot of fun. It's either that or they do these like almost Star Wars-esque wipe transitions.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's fun At school. All the kids are giving the teacher a gift. Ralphie gives the teacher a huge fruit basket, but like that doesn't seem out of place, but they act like it's a big deal.
Speaker 2:Oh that's more because, like every kid's like here's a little thing, here's a little thing, and he's like here's a whole fruit basket.
Speaker 3:There's also.
Speaker 1:One kid gave her a rabbit you feel it, Robbie, Like here's a whole fruit basket.
Speaker 3:There's also One kid gave her a rabbit.
Speaker 1:He's a rabbit, hitachi Rabbit.
Speaker 3:Hibachi, hibachi rabbit. Yeah, everyone else is just.
Speaker 2:Well, that's what it is. Everyone else is just giving him one apple and then he just goes up like a jerk off the whole.
Speaker 3:Here's the question, though Like that shit is expensive, why not just buy the fucking rifle Instead of a fruit basket?
Speaker 1:I think that's from his parents. He didn't buy that.
Speaker 2:No, what if he picked those on the way he didn't buy that pineapple, he picked it on the way to school in the snow.
Speaker 3:Oh, this pineapple tree.
Speaker 1:All the fresh oranges they have in the trees of the Midwest and the bananas.
Speaker 2:He got a fucking pineapple with a jerk off. That's only okay if you're swinging.
Speaker 3:He gets the C plus and at the bottom of the paper it just says you'll shoot your eye out.
Speaker 2:Yes, that's fucking gold. Best thing he thought that was gonna help. He gets that back in like two seconds yeah, yeah, great ralphie gets his decoder ring.
Speaker 1:He uses it to solve the secret message and it's just an advertisement for oval team. Yeah that's great the dad flips out about the furnace, and then we see the mom. Well, we don't see the mom break the lamp, but she broke the lamp, brother.
Speaker 2:Here's the thing I don't think she did. I'm gonna say she didn't. Okay, my question is I think she loves her family that much.
Speaker 3:She put up with smut. Do you think she did that on purpose?
Speaker 1:No, I thought, she did.
Speaker 2:I think she is conscious enough to be like Ralphie or Randy might see me do it and then they might tell Dad that I did it. You know what I mean. Yeah, and also she doesn't seem like she'd ruin. You know. She's like there's going to be more of a hullabaloo if I break the thing than just having it here, you know, because I think if you just have it there and it goes away eventually you don't got to worry about it, but you break it.
Speaker 2:I will say as the guy who works at an Italian shipping company, fragile is still one of my favorite jokes.
Speaker 3:Where he goes.
Speaker 4:it's fragile it must mean it's Italian, it's like, no, it's fragile.
Speaker 2:It's fragile stupid.
Speaker 1:This also shows that the dad is insane. Because, he accuses the mom of being jealous, not of the lamp, but that he won the lamp.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yikes brother. We have two very unstable parents here.
Speaker 2:This guy probably just fought through World War I. Probably he's got trench foot. Yeah, like there's. No, I don't know. Well, he might be too. He might be too. Might have been too old to be a world war one, but looking at it though, it is like a. This is why lamps aren't like big and long shapes and they're always like heavy. So you don't knock them over like this, right? No?
Speaker 1:The dad can't fix the lamp and it's great seeing the mom laughing in the background. I think that's really good, that she's like laughing at him trying to fix the lamp. But let's be honest, this is the 40s. In the next scene she has a black eye.
Speaker 2:In the next scene. That's her leg. Yeah, fall apart.
Speaker 1:On their way to school. The bullies beat up the same friend as before and I really like the kid saying uncle, before he's even being touched, like he's already given in. This is where we see the teacher give back the themes. He gets the C+ and then we get this c. Ralphie is going to kill this kid. I mean, he's smashing his head on the frozen ground.
Speaker 3:if his mom doesn't get there, he's dead, d-e-d dead yeah, yeah, uh, he does get hit, like right in the side, like right in the temple, with the snowball, yeah, and uh, I gotta, I gotta, quit. You know, I got a quick story here. Um one day, uh, I was in high school. I was walking home on Halloween Okay, I think I was like a freshman or whatever and I got hit with a frozen egg right in the back of the head and it fuck, it was like a baseball, shit hurt and like it was these kids they were younger than me, but like they were laughing and like I pulled, like you know, I wiped the shit off the back of my head and it was a mixture of yellow and red, like I was bleeding.
Speaker 3:Ugh, so I was. So I was like I'm not a violent guy, but I chased these kids down and I caught one of them and I knocked him to the ground and I punched him in the face and like this was flat on the ground, so like I felt like my fist hit his face, his head bounced off the ground, and then hit my fist again and that's where I stopped seeing red and I was like, oh my God.
Speaker 2:And then I made him eat the egg.
Speaker 3:But like after that, like it all, like I had like post-assault clarity, you know, and I was like oh shit. And then I realized like he started crying and I was like oh, this kid's like in middle school, I hope. Like he started crying and I was like oh, this is this kid's like in middle school. I hope so. Yeah, I just ran home. I ran home and my parents were like oh, you're not going out on halloween I was like not this year, not this year, no, not this year andy, why do you have a boner robbie robbie?
Speaker 2:no, that's his own fault, like if my kid yeah, he deserved it if some man came and said hey man, I put hands on your kid until you hit me first.
Speaker 3:I'd be like yeah, look at the back of my head, dude, I'm bleeding.
Speaker 1:Yeah, no, he deserved it. Fuck that kid. The younger brother, Randy, is hilariously nervous after that that their dad is going to kill Ralphie for what he did. He's just under the sink and the mom just lets him stay there. Yeah.
Speaker 3:I like how mom has Randy's uh, ralphie's back. She like gently tells him she's like Ralphie got in a fight. She doesn't bring up the fact that he like nearly killed a kid.
Speaker 1:Ralphie committed felony assault today.
Speaker 2:They don't want his dad to get too much of a boner.
Speaker 4:His dad.
Speaker 2:The thing is, if she was like, listen, we're gonna beat the fucking shit out of this kid today.
Speaker 1:Well, that's the thing If he was like I was expecting. Ralphie got into a fight today and then I have to go did he win? Yeah Right, Because that's all really in the 40s, that's all the dad's going to care about.
Speaker 3:The dad is actually very caring and loving yes, as we see later, but like he's a 40s dad, so he's just like repressed, you know.
Speaker 1:Yeah, if I found out my son of that age beat up his bully, I'm not mad at him.
Speaker 3:No, you got to fight back. But, like you know, I can see why he'd be terrified. You know, because he said fuck and he had to eat soap Like. I just almost killed a kid. What's gonna happen to me?
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's Well. You can't disrespect your parents, but you almost killed someone and they're more scared of authority than getting hit.
Speaker 2:They're more scared of being in trouble than they are.
Speaker 3:And also disappointing their parents.
Speaker 2:And also disappointing their parents, because it is a certain thing where Ralphie got a bad grade on a paper. What are the parents going to do? Is he just going to ground him or hit him Like her mouth soap?
Speaker 1:Yeah, Ralphie's last play for the BB gun is Santa Claus and I have a question Questions. If he believes in Santa, shouldn't that be his first go-to See?
Speaker 3:that's something I kind of like about this movie is that it's not like oh, santa Claus is coming to town, it's a Christmas movie. It's just a very grounded family Christmas movie.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but if the kid's still young enough to believe in Santa, wouldn't his first play be like? I'm gonna ask Santa for the BB gun.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I guess, unless he has his doubts, you know.
Speaker 1:That's true. He is old enough to be like. I just don't believe in Santa. He's like 12 years old here.
Speaker 5:Yeah.
Speaker 3:Who knows, ralph, I know.
Speaker 1:Oh, do you? No, I don't, you don't know. You just said you're a liar, Andy.
Speaker 3:Oh no, I'm going to get cold.
Speaker 1:Oh, I thought you said you're going to get cold and I was like what do you mean? You're going to get cold? But then you said you're going to get cold, which will keep you warm.
Speaker 3:Right and it burns clean, Robbie.
Speaker 1:Does it?
Speaker 3:No.
Speaker 1:Oh, I was like I was going to say I don't think it does, but maybe it's Christmas coal and it does. Hooray, the smell of peppermint floats into the air. Hooray, they go to the parade. Ralphie and his brother wait in a long line for Santa and the kid in front of them is super fucking weird.
Speaker 1:Yeah, kid in front of them is super fucking weird. Yeah, he's got like the airplane goggles on and he's got like the airplane helmet and he looks at them and he's like I love santa. And they're like, oh, that guy. Yeah, and they're like okay, and then he goes I love the tin man. It's like all right, dude, chill the fuck out.
Speaker 3:Yeah previous episode wizard of Wizard of Oz. Check it out.
Speaker 1:It is a previous episode.
Speaker 2:To be fair to the kid, it's definitely just like an autistic kid on the line. He's just like uh, I don't know, but part of me as I got older, I almost got the staff working there just being like come on, we got another kid to move, and he's just being like come on, we got another kid to move and he's just being like why are they so rude, dude?
Speaker 1:they are abusing these kids, though they are dragging them by the arm.
Speaker 3:Yeah, that's no good, and then Santa's like throwing them down the slide and shit. I like how the witch comes up to him and he's like please don't bother me.
Speaker 2:And she's like all right, he's, like you know, done.
Speaker 1:I'm not here for any evil juju. Today, two kids in a row have an absolute freak out. Ralphie gets up to santa claus and he totally freezes up and santa's like all right, how about a fucking football?
Speaker 3:yeah, and he's like sure, I like how half, like a quarter of the way down the slide, he remembers and he goes. No, he, no and he slaps his foot down. He climbs back up, and then he tells him and you get the fucking greatest. You know, I mean every time they say it. It's funnier Like you'll shoot your eye out.
Speaker 2:Because the cover of the movie is that him smiling after he says it to him like what? And he's like right over, you, come on. And it's him just cheesing it, and then santa's just like oh, you'll shoot your eye.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and I like how his foot it's not a kick, he just gently taps him with his foot he just falls down the slide. It's also the coolest, most elaborate santa setup I've ever seen that's sick.
Speaker 1:If they had that when I was a kid, I would have made my mom take me to see santa all the time.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, I'm trying to sit on some laps, brother brother, if you had a slide, if you had a slide with that many little kids, one of them would piss their pants or something on it and then you'd have a slide for? Yeah, that's what you have those things then you have to yell at three other kids hey, you can't use the slide because there's piss on it. And then they'd be like I don't care, I like piss.
Speaker 1:Yeah, then it's just a water slide.
Speaker 3:I did like how this Santa is literally just screaming ho, ho, ho in kids' faces.
Speaker 1:And you hear him in the background. At the mall too, just as loud as possible. The family is putting up the Christmas tree. Of course they blow a fuse, they send Ralphie and Randy upstairs so Santa Claus can come. Then on Christmas morning, ralphie and his brother, they come downstairs. They're all excited. Randy is so funny, but he keeps going oh boy, that's mine, oh boy, that's mine.
Speaker 2:There also is the two-second lay there that Ralphie has after he gets kicked down there, where he's just like I blew it. Man, I blew it, yes, I had one chance. Like he just missed the hail mary, like he just lost the football game, oh no, but then ralphie, ralphie, uh, ready for all the presents that's great, then they get the bunny suits yes, the iconic bunny suit.
Speaker 1:I'm gonna be honest, I always thought this was the opening of the movie I don't know why of him getting the bunny suit, but the mom gets the dad a blue bowling ball and absolutely crushes his genitals with it.
Speaker 3:Yeah, she, she does. I like how he's like thanks.
Speaker 1:I mean he doesn't need a vasectomy anymore. No His genitals are dust.
Speaker 2:Yeah, he's like I actually practiced this with the lamp I smashed the lamp using this.
Speaker 1:Ralphie embarrassingly models his pink bunny suit and he's like, can I take it off? And the dad's like like, let my son take that off. Yeah, yeah, yeah and then he's like here's a gun, yes, yeah well, the little brother's sleeping and the dad's like, hey, I think there's a gift right back there and the clearly the mom doesn't even know about it. That's like what the? Fuck, do you want?
Speaker 2:I had one of those when I was eight yeah, that was a very nice point yeah, it is nice, because you think the dad's very mean and you think he's just like hard-nosed jerk-off. But then you're like, oh, he is listening, and that's also.
Speaker 3:I think that's also something. That's like he didn't even really try the dad. He tried mom, he tried the teacher, he tried Santa, but he never even tried the dad because he was like Dad's an idiot, it's just a mean old man.
Speaker 1:Ralphie shoots his BB gun outside. It's a pretty good shot, but he's stupid because he's shooting it against fucking metal, so it just ricochets back at him.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and he shoots his eye out. They're all right. The thing is, the funny part is they're all right, exactly.
Speaker 1:Immediately knocks his glasses off. He Velmas around for a little bit before just stepping on his glasses.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And that's when he devises the plan. He runs inside and tells his mom that an icicle fell on his face.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Do you think the mom knows?
Speaker 1:No.
Speaker 3:Hmm, no, I think the dad probably knows.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's kind of like, yeah, you got to hit the eye.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think the dad would probably know, but I think the mom seems to believe him. No questions asked.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and we see that the dad is a turkey fiend.
Speaker 1:Yeah, this dude is crazy how he's desperate for some turkey.
Speaker 3:Check the inside of that turkey for some DNA.
Speaker 1:He doesn't get some leg anymore. Well, yeah, all the neighbor's dogs run in because they left the door open and they eat the turkey.
Speaker 3:They hate the old man that sucks. I like how he like, I don't know, the Christmas spirit has taken over, because he's just like relatively calm. He's just like well's, just like well, we're going out yeah and they go out and they have a great time yep, they go to a chinese restaurant convert to judaism.
Speaker 1:The mom is absolutely dying, laughing first at the guy singing and then to them bringing out that full duck yeah, so uh, I read that they did not give her a script for the scenes, so all.
Speaker 3:So she would naturally react oh, that's good okay, and that's, that's why it's it's very funny I would not eat that duck.
Speaker 1:I can't do it.
Speaker 2:Well, it's also the 40s, it's also the 40s, so we're like it's not like chinese people, like there's. There wasn't any chinese restaurants everywhere. This was like an exotic place that was open because, they didn't realize that everyone else was closed for Christmas.
Speaker 1:This was super expensive.
Speaker 2:Yeah, this is like foreign cuisine for them. And they, you know, they're like, oh my god, it comes with a head and it's like let me chop it off.
Speaker 1:No, I couldn't do it I can't do anything with a head.
Speaker 3:I like how she like screeches because there's a head, and they're like oh, we got it.
Speaker 2:In the script he was actually supposed to karate, chop it off, but they thought that was a little too on the nose Right.
Speaker 3:Yeah, that would be the 80s after all.
Speaker 1:That night it's snowing, Mom and dad watch the the snow next to the tree and Ralphie sleeps with his BB gun like a true American. Mm-hmm yeah, and the credits roll.
Speaker 2:Robby, simple, just like a boy trying to get what he wants for Christmas.
Speaker 3:There's no yeah, like there's. There's not like a lesson here, it's just not trying to hurt anyone with the gun?
Speaker 2:he's not. He's literally trying to have a gun to put something dangerous to play with. Yeah.
Speaker 1:This movie is called A Christmas Story, and that's exactly what it is. It is the story of a Christmas, and that's it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, well, that's what kind of makes the sequel. It's almost like an insignificant one. You know what I mean. There definitely was like maybe you know, maybe Ralphie or Randy was born one Christmas, but this was just a Christmas, you know what I mean, not the Christmas that this happened, but it's a nice part of it. No-transcript, that's about it.
Speaker 3:Really, I don't even think the mom's in it, so I don't have any complaints really. So I don't see why not a five. To be honest, Robbie, what do you think?
Speaker 1:I was going to go four, but I'm down for five. I'm easy. I'm easy like Sunday morning, which is also the prostitute I frequent Sunday morning.
Speaker 2:Wow, I'm going to say 4.3 because it's a great movie, but there wasn't a single empowered Latina woman in it anywhere.
Speaker 1:That's a great point.
Speaker 2:No way.
Speaker 1:Unfortunately or luckily, letterboxd doesn't allow 4.3. I'm going to go four. I'll go 4. Andy, I'm down for 5 with you, though. Yeah, zach, we're going to overrule you on this one. We're going to go 5.
Speaker 3:I just didn't see anything wrong with it. I agree with you more than I see a problem Other than the piggy scene that goes on a little too long.
Speaker 2:That's not going to bump this whole movie down, other than it's just an old movie too. It almost feels like much older than it is. It feels more of like it feels like it was made 20, you think it's the 60s. But when you watch it then you're like oh my God, it's the 40s, apparently it had been written for a very long time before they filmed it. So, yeah.
Speaker 1:Well before they said it. So yeah, Well, follow us on Letterboxd and you'll see that we gave A Christmas Story five stars. We give a lot of five star reviews nowadays.
Speaker 3:Very positive. We've been doing some good movies.
Speaker 2:Robbie Well, if you guys ever want to watch the Streets. You know who to call Andrew. Do you know what the Streets is? I don't. It's okay, it's pretty much like if the Godfather meets the Room, but it's made by this crazy Long Island comic guy that we all kind of know. No, and his friend thinks he's like David Chase. He writes these great mob movies. But he writes these movies where, like his fat, bald friend with a lisp, somehow has three you know girlfriends on the side. It's a movie that makes no sense. They're like, they're like this guy's the mayor and you're like wait a second, this is supposed to take place in long island.
Speaker 2:There's no mayor of long island, hey there are mayors on long island, though yeah, but the guy's the mayor of Long Island. Hey, there are mayors on Long Island, though yeah, but the guy's the mayor of Long Island.
Speaker 4:Oh, that sucks.
Speaker 2:Okay, it's a great series. If you're looking for zeros, so bad.
Speaker 1:Guys, I have five trivias. I have three. Zach, do you have trivia or do you want to be a contestant?
Speaker 2:I'll be a contestant.
Speaker 1:All right, buzz in with your name. Say your name to buzz in, I'll go first At Disney. Wait, I'm sorry at Higbee's. What Disney character is behind the display, dumbo?
Speaker 2:Pinocchio Snow White, Cinderella Zach and Pinocchio no. Cinderella Zach, Pinocchio.
Speaker 1:No, it is not Pinocchio Andy.
Speaker 3:Snow White.
Speaker 1:It is Snow White. Yes, hell yeah, brother.
Speaker 5:Where's Higby's?
Speaker 1:Higby's. Is that store they go to With the display in it?
Speaker 2:Oh, you're right, this is about the movie. I thought you meant like it's just random trivia.
Speaker 3:All right, what actor wanted to play the dad? Was it leslie nielsen, steve martin, jack nicholson or billy crystal? Rob rob steve martin it was not steve martin. Zach zach. Bill Martin. It was not Steve Martin. Zach Zach. Billy Crystal it was not Billy Crystal.
Speaker 1:Rob.
Speaker 3:Rob.
Speaker 1:Leslie Nielsen.
Speaker 3:It was not. It was Jack Nicholson.
Speaker 1:Wow, and they said no.
Speaker 3:Yeah, because it was way too expensive oh okay.
Speaker 1:Well, dude, you can't say you want to be in this small movie and then want a price to price you out of a movie.
Speaker 2:They said he wanted it but they couldn't get him to stop pumping the leg lamp.
Speaker 3:No, he like read the script and he was like I want to play the dad. They were like okay, what's your fee? He was like your budget, brother, and they were like all right.
Speaker 1:Well, never mind Shit. What time does the radio program Little Orphan Annie come on? 6.30, 6.45, 7.30, 7.45. Andy, andy 6.45. It is 6.45,. Yes.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:You had, me, had me.
Speaker 3:How many times does Ralphie say he wants the Red Ryder BB gun? Is it 11, 17, 23, or 28 times?
Speaker 2:Zach 17. No.
Speaker 1:Damn Rob.
Speaker 3:Rob 23. No, no idea.
Speaker 2:No idea, yeah, 11?
Speaker 3:28 times Wow, wow yeah.
Speaker 1:While the father is reading the paper, the mom says the Bears are playing who? On Sunday? Baltimore, Detroit, Green Bay, Arizona.
Speaker 2:Zach Green Bay.
Speaker 1:It is Green Bay, yeah.
Speaker 2:They're in Indiana, it's NFC, but it's that's like and I've seen North Territory well, she says the Bears are playing.
Speaker 1:Who are the Bears playing on?
Speaker 3:Sunday just studied more what's the name of the Chinese restaurant they go to is? Is it Ling Bo, bo Ling or Ming's Kitchen?
Speaker 2:Ming's Kitchen Zach.
Speaker 3:No, that's the old Chinese restaurant I used to go to in Wantau.
Speaker 1:Damn, is it Bo Ling?
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 5:Oh nice.
Speaker 2:I could have sworn it was Mu Dang's.
Speaker 1:At the parade, the family stand across from a shoe store. What is the name of that shoe store? Is it shine time shoes? Four synth shoes, o'neill shoes, horseshine shoes.
Speaker 3:Andy, andy, the first one.
Speaker 1:No, it is not Shine Time Shoes.
Speaker 2:Zach O'Neal Shoes.
Speaker 1:It is not O'Neal Shoes Ed.
Speaker 2:O'Neal, you fucking failed me.
Speaker 1:Is it Four Cents Shoes or Horsheim Shoes?
Speaker 2:Zach Horsham.
Speaker 1:It is Horsheim, yeah, horsheim, however you pronounce it, yeah.
Speaker 5:All right.
Speaker 1:I have one more question. Go for it. What president is Randy and Ralphie's school named after Warren G Harding? William Henry Harrison, john Tyler, andrew Jackson?
Speaker 3:Andy.
Speaker 1:Andy Harris. No, it is not William Henry Harrison Harrison. Sorry, Andy Harris. No, it is not William Henry Harrison.
Speaker 3:Harrison, sorry, damn.
Speaker 1:Is it Warren G Harding, john Tyler or Andrew Jackson?
Speaker 2:I'm going to go, andrew Jackson Zach.
Speaker 1:It is not Andrew Jackson. But, he was so great, andy, andy.
Speaker 3:Tyler Nope, it is great, andy, andy Tyler.
Speaker 1:Nope, it is Warren G Harding Feels like he wasn't the president yet.
Speaker 2:Well, Andy.
Speaker 1:And Zach for that matter. Do you know what I did?
Speaker 3:Write a song.
Speaker 1:I wrote a song about a Christmas story. Oh same Do you know what I did?
Speaker 3:You wrote a song. I wrote a song about a Christmas story.
Speaker 1:No same, Do you know?
Speaker 3:what I have A pick.
Speaker 1:I have a pick to flip.
Speaker 3:Yo flip that shit.
Speaker 1:Andy, you can call it Heads, it is heads baby.
Speaker 3:Crushed it. Very good, all right. What kind of song you got?
Speaker 1:Kind of bluesy. All right, you go first. There, rob, you go first. My song is a little weird. It's kind of bluesy. It's called Just One Gift. It's about the movie A Christmas Story. Not really much to say on this one, but yeah, it's pretty bluesy Just One Gift.
Speaker 5:And it goes like this, like this oh, mama, I don't want no tinker toy. No, etch-a-sketch will bring me joy. I don't want no erecta set. There's only one gift that I want to get, and I will climb to that tree. I'll be begun's what I wanna see. I just want one gift this year. I just want one get this year. Don't offer me a yo-yo, cause I'll just tell you no, no, don't even start to think it Of buying me a stink. Yeah, don't offer me a stinkhead. Don't offer me a train. No model airplane. I just want one gift this year. I just want one gift this year no kaleidoscope, no new jump rope, no raggedy ant. No green army man, don't I mean. No wooden horse, a BB gun, of course.
Speaker 1:So that was my song called Just One Gift, about a Christmas story.
Speaker 3:Good, nice. I like those harmonies, good production.
Speaker 1:Thank you. Thank you, yeah, yeah, I just felt like doing harmonies throughout it. It was kind of weird and minor. Thank you, yeah, yeah, I did. I just felt like doing harmonies throughout it. It was kind of weird and minor, so yeah.
Speaker 3:It was a little spooky.
Speaker 1:Yeah, spooky little Christmassy blue song About the kid getting visited by the three ghosts of Christmas.
Speaker 3:It's not what this, it's not what this movie was, but I just thought it was yeah.
Speaker 2:But yeah, that's it. How much funnier a movie would this be if it was fighting off ghosts with a BB gun?
Speaker 1:The ghost's like they're going through us, kid, I don't think you understand.
Speaker 2:He's begging his mom for a mystical BB gun so he can stop the ghost and ask him about Christmas.
Speaker 1:A Christmas story. Undead nightmare. Nice, andy, tell us about your song.
Speaker 3:My song is called You'll Shoot your Eye Out, kid, and it's about a Christmas story and it's a very simple song, but I play my first keyboard solo Wow. At the end, so check it out. There's no keyboard until the keyboard solo, so just kind of comes out of nowhere. But I was feeling spicy, check it out. It's called you'll shoot your eye out, kid. It goes like this it's Christmas.
Speaker 4:I know exactly what I want. That's right, it's Christmas. I know exactly what I want. Shoot your eye out kid Not getting such a good grade Saying words. You shouldn't say shoot your eye out kid not getting such good grades saying words. You shouldn't say it's Christmas. I know exactly what I want. That's right, it's Christmas. I know exactly what I want, what I want. You shoot your eye out, kid You're not getting such good grades Saying words. You shouldn't say you shoot your eye out kid You're not getting such good Great saying words. You shouldn't say Thank you.
Speaker 3:That's my song. It's called You'll Shoot your Eye Out, Kid. I like that a lot. Thank you Good.
Speaker 1:I like the keyboard solo a lot too.
Speaker 3:Thank you.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:I just figured this is a Christmas movie. I'll write a Christmas song.
Speaker 1:It was very Christmas yeah.
Speaker 2:I just figured, this is a Christmas movie. I'll write a Christmas song. It was very Christmas, yeah, thanks for the spirit.
Speaker 4:Yeah, well done, andy.
Speaker 2:I made a sequel to well, I didn't write a song, but I wrote an entire sequel to A Christmas Story of Three, randy's Revenge, where Randy dresses everyone up in way too much jackets and then he drops them in a river. Oh no, oh my god.
Speaker 5:Randy commits crimes.
Speaker 2:Randy's.
Speaker 3:Revenge yeah, that's rock and roll.
Speaker 4:I it.
Speaker 3:Thank you, uh, robbie. What could we possibly have going on next week?
Speaker 1:that's an excellent question, because next week we're not doing lust fakely, we're doing love actually. Wow the way he held the face that's a really good joke, everybody yeah the reason. The reason it's quiet is because Andy is just bald over laughing yeah, that's stuff.
Speaker 3:Yep, that's it. Zach, can you do me a favor? Sure.
Speaker 1:Promote anything you want to promote. One last time.
Speaker 2:You can check out my Instagram page and send me pictures of feces. I'll draw Reptar on them and send them back to you for money.
Speaker 1:I thought you were saying feet at first. I was like Jesus Christ Zach.
Speaker 2:I think feet would be worse.
Speaker 2:Both are heinous, they're both heinous, but at least you're trying to get some money on this one, I guess yeah, uh, go on propositioning our listeners for feet pics this time uh, listen, if you're a busty woman who listens to this and wants to send me pictures, I don't know. If you want, if you have, you don't have to, but if you want to go ahead, send me stuff. Send me any. If you want, you don't have to, but if you want to go ahead, send me stuff. Send me any pictures you want man, woman, cat, who knows? Go watch David Tell's special on Netflix. Then go watch the Lou Pearlman special on Netflix. You guys know who Lou Pearlman is.
Speaker 1:I'm just laughing that you're just promoting random comedy specials. Brother, we asked you for your socials, you're asking if we've seen two comedian specials no, I don't understand luparman.
Speaker 2:Luparman's is the guy. It's this documentary about him where it's like this dude who got into like blimps and now he like he went from like making the world's biggest blimp king gomert to creating boy bands and he was behind the guy who made in sync in the backstreet boys. It's a fascinating documentary because he's like an asexual fat guy but he just like loves boy bands for some reason interesting.
Speaker 3:It's that's interesting that that was your response to rob's prompt Go watch Screwball on Amazon.
Speaker 3:All right, Let me tell you where you can find our music. You go to Apple Music, Spotify, Deezer wherever you get your music and you type in the Roids and you will find a large amount of music by the Roids and that's cool. But also, if you want everything, you go to the roidsbandcampcom and you'll find everything guest songs, bonus songs, everything also. Check out youtube, where we have a video for uh, christmas is canceled, Our Christmas song and uh also all the music is also on YouTube. So check that out. Robbie the socials.
Speaker 1:Oh, you go to Instagram, you go to TikTok, you go to YouTube. You type in the Roids band. There we are. You can see our smiling faces. You can comment on our posts. You can interact with us in various ways Send us a message, request a movie. You can send us an email at roidsreview at gmailcom, or you can also request a movie or just give us some feedback Wherever you're listening to us, whether it be YouTube or Spotify or Apple iPodcasts, whatever they fucking call it nowadays you give us a five-star review.
Speaker 1:You can even leave a comment on Spotify. What I'm trying to say is we want to hear from you, and if you suggest a movie, we'll freaking do it, brother.
Speaker 2:Yeah, suggest the streets.
Speaker 1:Okay, we probably won't do the streets. It's a self-respect thing.
Speaker 3:Well, uh, thank you for uh. Thank you for uh. Thank you so much for listening and, you know, leaving a five-star review and all that, all that nice stuff. Uh, thank you for joining us.
Speaker 1:Yeah, thank you boys this was a lot of real quick though give out your socials. You can suck our dicks very good, can you do us very good, can you just give out your socials one more time, very specific, your socials.
Speaker 2:My Twitter is at the Zornado, I think, and I believe my Instagram is at Zorro bitchin. Z O R O B I T H.
Speaker 1:I N bitchin. Yeah, that's how you spell it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I really should have studied. I didn't get any of these questions right.
Speaker 1:Zach, thank you so much. This was a ton of fun.
Speaker 2:Thanks, boys, thanks for having me, thanks for letting me look at you guys in my dark room.
Speaker 1:Hey, our pleasure. Next week we're doing Love Actually and we hope to. Actually that didn't work. See you there.
Speaker 3:Here's Christmas is Canceled by the Roids, we're going to play it out because it's Christmas time. Merry Christmas, everybody, and we'll see yous later, I guess.
Speaker 5:Christmas is canceled. Hear all the children cry Christmas is canceled because Santa Claus has died. It was Christmas Eve. Santa went out on his sleigh but he had too much eggnog before going on his way. He crashed into a building and he burnt into a crisp. And he burnt into a crisp. They needed dental records to identify Saint Nick. Christmas is cancelled. Hear all the children cry. Christmas is cancelled Because Santa Claus has died. Christmas is cancelled. Hear all the children cry Christmas is cancelled. So come say your last goodbyes. A crowd began to gather at the gory scene downtown. Santa couldn't help himself and had another round. So go and tell the children, take down the Christmas cheer. Santa gave some hard cider To six of his reindeer. Christmas is cancelled. Hear all the children cry. Christmas is cancelled because Santa Claus has died. Christmas is cancelled. Hear all the children cry Christmas is cancelled. You can smell Kris Kringle fry.
Speaker 1:What a wacky and wild Christmas, right? Huh, who could that be? Hey, it's Alfred and the Woodchucks. What's up, guys? Well, I never got my hula hoop because Christmas is here.
Speaker 4:So here all the children cry. Yeah, we heard.
Speaker 1:Huh, now where was I oh?
Speaker 4:yeah.
Speaker 5:Oh yeah, mrs Claus now sits up at the North Pole all alone. The elves have all gone away. They don't call her on the phone, but she still wears a smile when she puts up the Christmas tree, cause she had taken out a life insurance policy. Christmas is cancelled. Hear all the children cry. Christmas is cancelled Because Santa Claus has died. Christmas is cancelled. Hear all the children cry. Christmas is cancelled because Santa drinks and flies.
Speaker 2:He died.
